Emotional Intelligence: ‘It’s How You Made Them Feel’

How Emotional Intelligence Can Transform Your Life

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

This quote powerfully highlights the importance of emotional intelligence in our interactions with others. It suggests that the emotional impact we have on others—whether through kindness, empathy, or understanding—leaves a lasting impression, far more significant than words or actions alone.

Angelou’s insight reminds us that fostering emotional intelligence can deeply affect the quality of our relationships and the lives of those around us.

In today’s fast-paced world, being smart is no longer enough. To navigate personal and professional challenges effectively, it’s crucial to develop something beyond intellectual ability—emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence, often abbreviated as EI or EQ (emotional quotient), refers to the ability to understand, manage, and harness emotions—both your own and those of others. Unlike IQ, which is mostly fixed, emotional intelligence can be developed and refined over time.

Increasing your emotional intelligence can dramatically improve your relationships, decision-making skills, and overall mental well-being.

In this article, we will explore what emotional intelligence is, how it can enhance various aspects of your life, and methods to increase your emotional intelligence. You’ll also find a short test to assess your current level of EQ, along with some book recommendations to deepen your understanding.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

This concept was popularised by psychologist Daniel Goleman, who identified five main components of EQ:

1. Self-awareness: The ability to recognise and understand your own emotions.
2. Self-regulation: The ability to control or redirect disruptive emotions and impulses.
3. Motivation: A passion for work that goes beyond money or status, driven by inner ambition.
4. Empathy: The ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people.
5. Social skills: Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks.

By developing these components, individuals can lead more balanced, fulfilling lives, both at work and in personal settings.

Why EQ Matters

EQ impacts every aspect of life. High EQ individuals are better at managing stress, resolving conflicts, and maintaining healthier relationships. Here are some areas where emotional intelligence plays a crucial role:

1. Career Success: EQ is key in workplaces where teamwork, communication, and leadership are vital. Managers with high EQ can motivate their teams effectively and handle workplace stress in a healthy manner. They are more likely to navigate office politics smoothly and create a positive work environment.
2. Personal Relationships: Whether it’s a romantic partnership, friendship, or family dynamic, emotional intelligence helps in understanding and managing emotions during conflicts. High EQ individuals tend to be more empathetic and better communicators, leading to stronger and more meaningful relationships.
3. Mental Health: People with high EQ have better control over their emotions, which reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean you don’t experience negative emotions, but it equips you with tools to handle those emotions in a healthier way.
4. Decision-Making: Emotions heavily influence decision-making. Those with high EQ can separate emotions from logic, making more informed, balanced decisions. They can recognise when emotions might cloud their judgment and take a step back when necessary.

Test Your EQ

Want to know how emotionally intelligent you are? Take this short quiz to find out:

When you’re upset, how easily can you calm yourself down?

a) Very easily
b) Sometimes
c) Rarely

How well do you read other people’s emotions?

a) Very well
b) Somewhat well
c) Not well at all

How often do you find yourself regretting decisions made in the heat of the moment?

a) Hardly ever
b) Occasionally
c) Frequently

How often do you reflect on your emotional responses after an argument or disagreement?

a) Almost always
b) Sometimes
c) Rarely

When someone criticises you, how do you respond?

a) I consider their perspective and respond calmly
b) I get defensive but try to hide it
c) I lash out or shut down

If most of your answers are “a,” you likely have a high level of EQ. If you scored mostly “b” or “c,” there’s room to grow—and that’s okay! Emotional intelligence is a skill you can work on.

Increasing Emotional Intelligence to Improve Your Life

By increasing your EQ, you can handle stress better, improve your relationships, and even excel in your career. For example, imagine you’re in a stressful work situation: A co-worker makes a mistake that affects your project. If you lack EQ, you might react with frustration or anger, escalating the situation.

However, a high-EQ response would involve empathy (understanding why the mistake happened) and problem-solving (working together to fix it without blame). The ability to manage emotions in this way builds stronger, more cooperative relationships and reduces workplace stress.

Likewise, in personal relationships, high EQ can prevent misunderstandings. When a partner or friend expresses something in a way that feels hurtful, a high-EQ person would ask clarifying questions and listen actively rather than immediately reacting with defensiveness. This prevents conflicts from spiralling and encourages open, constructive communication.

Here are three actionable methods to help increase emotional intelligence:

1. Practice Self-Awareness Through Reflection: Start by regularly checking in with your emotions throughout the day. Keep a journal where you write down what you’re feeling and why. This helps you recognise patterns in your emotional responses and increases awareness of triggers. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence, as it allows you to understand how your emotions affect your thoughts and actions.
2. Improve Empathy by Active Listening: When engaging in conversations, focus entirely on the other person—without interrupting or planning your response while they’re talking. Pay attention to both verbal cues and non-verbal signals like body language. Active listening fosters empathy, which is key to understanding others’ emotions and improving social relationships.
3. Work on Emotional Regulation: Emotional regulation is about managing your emotions, especially in stressful or triggering situations. Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness meditation, and taking a pause before reacting can help you respond calmly and rationally instead of letting emotions dictate your actions. This leads to better emotional control and reduces impulsive behaviours.

By incorporating these practices into your daily life, you can gradually develop greater emotional intelligence and improve your relationships, decision-making, and resilience.

Recommended Books to Boost Your EQ and Bring Balance to Your Life

For those eager to deepen their understanding, here are two essential books on EQ, associated by Self Help School at Amazon:

• Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman – This is the foundational book on the subject and provides in-depth insights into how emotional intelligence shapes our lives.
• Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David – This book focuses on developing emotional flexibility, another key aspect of emotional intelligence, helping readers navigate difficult emotions and challenges.

By actively working on your emotional intelligence, you’ll not only improve your personal and professional life but also boost your overall well-being.